My Wise Friend Jordie

"Rules for owners of Western-themed restaurants:

1. Don't serve portobello anything. Let the Italian restaurant across the street do that.

2. Crab does not belong anywhere near a quesadilla. I don't know why you even thought it would. And this is me letting you slide on the "tomato and spinach" quesadilla.

3. Catfish is SOUTHERN. Southern is NOT Western. The surest way to loose "Western" credibility is not being able to tell the difference, which most New Yorkers can't. The only time crab and catfish is okay is if you are running a restaurant that is "Every-part-of-the-country-except-New York" theme, then the crab would fit in with your New England/Chesapeake areas and the catfish would cover the South.

Rules of etiquette for dining in Western-themed restaurants (based on actual observations):

1. Never order a Martini. Yes, I know they're good. So go to the Jazz club down the street and get one. Here you're drinking Bud or Corona with lime.

2. Never order wine with your enchiladas. If you want wine, again, have it with the portobello mushrooms across the street at the Italian place. You know, it's really the restaurant's fault for making wine and martinis available for you to make poor choices.

3. If you are a dude, you do not order just a salad for dinner. Be a man and eat some meat. If you're a vegetarian, that's fine. You order the cheese enchiladas or quesadillas. If you're a vegan, you stay the heck at home (or order a pitcher of beer for yourself, in which case you become the life of the party and distract everyone from noticing that you are a dude who is not eating meat)."